Friends

The last time I saw my Dad, he was a weak pile of bones lying on his mother's bed and he gave me a message for my brother, "Tell him: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." But what I heard was, "Ask your brother to forgive me. I need him to forgive me."

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about revenge and how in movies and books when a character sets out for revenge by the climax they usually mirror the person's traits or behaviours that they are seeking revenge against. I wonder how this bloodlust a person embraces improves anything for them or anyone else. What good does it really do to cause more violence and betrayal in the world? How can it really be best for the revenger to let themselves be swallowed up by anger like that? If an eye for an eye is justice-I'd rather be injust.

I stopped and looked at my Dad which was hard to do since he must weigh less than a hundred pounds at six feet tall. He seemed frail and helpless to the point that I at a slight five foot three inches could pick him up and crush his porcelain bones with little effort. Then I thought of his whole selfish life such as selling all of my personal belongings so all I owned was my rock collection and a comforter (but everyone else in the house still had their possessions) or regularly bringing home a large bag of take out for him and his friend to eat in front of my hungry brother and I (at a time when I tried to feed us on $5 a day (and what I later found out the take out actually was sent for us))-but all that was years ago now. I can still see him curled up on the sofa crying after fighting with my mom when I was six and my brother four-for years I thought it was my fault but now all I can think is how out of control they were and selfish. Completely and incorrigibly selfish. I think about how he would try to puff himself up and seem powerful, knowledgable, and control, and then remember how he would need me to spell for him when I was in elementary. How I could make him cry by refusing to be intolerant and judgemental of other people for race, sex, or sexual orientation. But most of all I remember him encouraging the idea that since his family (aside from his mom) didn't come to my mom's funeral we wouldn't go to their spouse's funerals out of spite and still I told him that I would go because not going wouldn't prove anything. I think all of this and try to convincingly (hopefully, encouragingly?) tell him that I will let my brother know which feels like consent to his seeking forgiveness.

I don't even know who this man is sitting in front of me asking us for forgiveness-a forgiveness that would seem to most like a vain hope. Who really gives forgiveness to an abusing, child neglecting, corrupting, stealing, alcoholic, drug addict? A drug addict is a person. An abuser is a person. My Dad is a person. Anger is pointless but forgiveness seems almost as pointless for him BUT for me it would set me free. I think it would set my brother free too. He can't understand why I still talk to our Dad and I try to explain how its not something I put a lot of effort into. He happens to be around our Grandma a lot and I talk to him when I see him a few times a year at which occassion nothing happens to warrant being angry about.

Forgiveness/revenge maybe its the same thing to ourselves. Its grabbing hold and claiming control to the injustice of our lifes. It can break the cycle or keep it repeating. It can give us freedom or control us.

Perhaps the person who needs to forgive my Dad isn't me or my brother- it's him! Freedom from his lifelong cycle of self-hate lies in forgiveness with himself. I suppose this applies to all of us and my brother really needs to forgive himself as well.

I forgive myself for feeling like a tiny worthless being when I was abused and neglected. I forgive myself for the guilt of not being a perfect daughter. I forgive myself for every time I feel like a tiny worthless being when I am not a perfect employee, mother, wife, friend, human.